When I first arrived in Japan for my year abroad, I struggled with loneliness. It was a feeling I had prepared myself for, or so I thought. I was moving to a completely new country where I didn't know anyone and I didn't speak much of the language, so of course I would struggle to connect with the locals. For me though, I knew that wouldn't be the only barrier. Due to growing up with a speech disorder, even in my native language I'd always struggled to communicate and connect with others. So while the other exchange students at my university began to form friendships with both each other and the Japanese students, I wasn't surprised to still find myself mostly alone.
I kept myself busy with going to new places and shopping for J-fashion pieces but eventually it got to the point where that didn't feel like enough. While idols have always been a significant interest of mine, they'd kind of been put on the back seat for a while prior to my year abroad. When I'd exhausted most of the places in Tokyo I wanted to visit, I remembered a venue called JOL Now unfortunately closed, JOL was a food court located on Harajuku's Takeshita Street that hosted free-to-view idol lives almost every single day. I made a habit of - whenever I wasn't busy with university or other commitments - going to see the group or groups performing at JOL, in search of a group or idol to become my new oshi.
I saw about 8 underground male idol groups perform at JOL until I finally found them. I didn't normally go on Thursdays since I had class until late, but the group performing that day were starting a little later than usual so I thought I could make it if I left straight after class. This group had only made their debut about a month ago at the time and it was kind of difficult to find anything about them online so admittedly at first I wasn't super interested; they were just another group for me to go and see to help de-stress after class. I had no idea I'd end up falling in love so hard and fast.
That day ED∞EN performed two of their original songs - Forbidden Fruits and Magic Parade - as well as I think about 2 or 3 Johnny's covers (I remember one was Two Faced by Naniwa Danshi) and honestly I was captivated. The members that caught my eye the most at first were Nagi (who - spoiler alert - would later end up ruining my life lol) and Sakatie. Nagi was so cute and had the most beautiful smile and Sakatie was so funny and cool but seemed like a huge dork at the same time. Usually after the lives there's a fan-meeting, and while I didn't participate this time I hung around and watched for a little while and my heart melted at how sweet they all were while interacting with their fans. I remember overhearing Kotaro telling a girl her outfit really suited her and Minato literally held a girl's hand the entire time they were speaking.
The following day, ED∞EN were performing at a paid event at a venue in Shibuya. I'd actually already planned to go to this event because a couple of the other groups I'd already seen were going to be there as well so I was happy that I'd get to see ED∞EN again too. At the start of their performance Kotaro noticed me in the audience and must have recognized me from yesterday so he waved at me and I smiled like a dork. I didn't participate in ED∞EN's fan-meeting this time either because it clashed with one of the other group's performances and I wanted to see all of the groups performing that day.
Since JOL was such a small venue, they also occasionally hosted longer lives with mulitple groups at slightly bigger venues. The first time I would participate in ED∞EN's fan-meeting was at one of these events that took place that weekend at a venue called HADO ARENA in Odaiba. I was a little confused about how it worked at first but all of the staff were really helpful, so I was finally able to meet Nagi for the first time.
He was so adorable. I was so nervous I pretty much just giggled awkwardly the whole time and kept apologising. I don't even remember much of what we talked about but he was so sweet. I took a cheki with him bur I derp-faced pretty badly which would eventually become a trend (I have so many photos with him where I blinked or just look really awkward lol).
The first photo I took with Nagi vs. the last photo I took with him before I left Japan at the end of my year abroad
From then on I basically followed ED∞EN all around Tokyo (and to some places just outside Tokyo like Yokohama and Odaiba), going to their lives whenever I could and always meeting Nagi at the fan-meetings. I have so many fond memories with Nagi and the group as a whole that I don't think I could list them all. He would always compliment my fashion sense and ask me where I got my clothes from. He'd sometimes make the effort to learn how to say things in English beforehand so he could tell me when I came to see him. There were times where I struggled to speak but he'd always be patient with me. When there were times when I was feeling down, he'd always try to cheer me up. Nagi is the kind of person who pays attention to his fans as individuals and remembers things about them so he always made me feel special.
The group changed a lot over that year. First Sakatie left quite suddenly (but ended up joining another group called Junkrop who ED∞EN already got along well with) and was replaced by a new member called Atsuya. Shortly after that, Minato graduated. Just before I left Japan at the end of my year abroad and on the group's 1st anniversary, three new members joined; Manato, Rikuto and Akito. Manato also left quite suddenly a few months later.
My year abroad ended up being one of the happiest times of my life and a large part of that was due to the time I spent with ED∞EN. I left Japan feeling a little sad that I wouldn't be able to see them again for a while but I planned to return the following year as a graduate student. However, I had a hard time finding a job once I came back to the UK, so I had no choice but to put that goal on the backburner for a while.
I was devasted though, when the announcement came towards the end of the June that the group would be disbanding on August 1st, just before their 2 year anniversary. There wasn't a specific reason given and this isn't an uncommon occurence amoung underground idol groups - there are many groups that don't even make it to a year - but I had high hopes for ED∞EN so the news came as a shock.
While I was pretty confident that some of the other members would likely continue their idol journey elsewhere, ED∞EN was Nagi's third group. I had a suspicion that once the group disbanded he would decide to leave the industry, and my suspicion was confirmed in a blog post he later uploaded on the group's official fanclub site.
He wrote that when he became a member of ED∞EN, he'd made a promise to himself that the other members would be the last people he would stand alongside on stage. While an idol leaving the industry doesn't necessarily have to mean it's the end - many idols go onto become solo singers or at least have public social media accounts so their fans can continue to follow them - Nagi has always been a pretty private person so I was worried that he would be the type to delete everything and I'd never see him again.
So, I made it my goal that I had to see him and ED∞EN one last time. I did my best with temp jobs and was very grateful to receive help from my family so I was able to go to Japan in time to see their final live. I didn't tell Nagi I was coming or mention it anywhere on social media because I wanted to surprise him and he looked so genuinely happy when he noticed me in the audience. He told me afterwards that he almost cried.
It's common for idol fans - when it's a special occasion like their oshi's birthday or graduation - to get their hair and makeup done professionally and dress up in their oshi's colour. I wanted to do something similar to show my support for Nagi so while I didn't get it done professionally, I worked hard to perfect my makeup technique (I'm terrible at makeup normally lol), did my hair with ribbons and bought a really cute yellow dress to wear (his member colour is yellow). I was so glad I was able to make it to Japan to see him for (what I thought) was the final time and I was able to properly tell him how much he and the rest of the group meant to me.
My outfit, hair and makeup for ED∞EN's final live
I was in Japan for just over a week after the final live. I tried my best to keep my spirits up by visiting places I loved, going to see my second favourite group AromaFancy, and going to lives to discover new groups but I couldn't help but feel a little down for a while after that. Just as I was starting to come out of it though, Nagi announced on his story that it wasn't the end afterall. All of the members excluding Atsuya had decided to form a new group called INFINITY. I was so happy and excited for them. Their first performance was supposed to be at an event on August 13th but it unfortunately had to be cancelled due to scheduling conflicts, but I'm eagerly awaiting what they plan to do next and will keep cheering for them. I'm excited to see what kind of group INFINITY will be and I hope I'll be able to achieve my goal of going back to Japan soon so I can see them perform.
Tell me about your number 1 oshi in the comments! How did you discover them? Do you get to see them regularly?
